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#167: Post a journal entry online

16 Jun

I don’t think this has ever been posted online before, but I’ll admit I haven’t checked Wikipedia under “teenage angst.”

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6-15-02

This is the most horrible, most confused, and most terrified I have ever been.  I have no idea what to do, no idea what to think, and no idea what to say.

Lately all Henry and I can do is fight.  We fight all the time.  And it’s not even really verbal fighting most of the time (although Thursday there was a particularly bad one of those), it’s just we won’t speak to each other.  I don’t even know what the problem is.  I don’t know how he feels, but I just feel like I’m constantly trying so hard to do what I think will make him happy but instead he gets mad at me for it.  That might be part of it, but I don’t really know what the real problem is.  We get mad at each other over everything, all the time, most of the time stupid things.  I know they’re stupid, yet I still get so angry, it’s like I can’t even control myself; that’s probably how he feels, too.  But what is the cause of it?  We say we love each other, but we treat each other like crap.

Tonight I was at his house and, of course, we fought, and then it was late so I said I had to leave.  Henry said that he was sad because it felt like we were breaking up, and it did.  We were silent most of the way home. Then I told him I didn’t know what to do because it felt like we should break up, yet how could that feel right? We make each other miserable now, but wouldn’t we be even more miserable apart?  It’s so confusing because just the way we are together feels like it’s time to end it.  We can’t get along at all yet we try to pretend everything’s okay besides the fact that we fight every second.

But it’s Henry!  And it’s me!  We can’t just quit!  And yet, I’m lost.  We keep trying to make it work and get along like civil human beings, but it never succeeds. That should be a warning signal…get out of this!  It’s only doing you harm!  But we keep thinking those signs will go away if we forget about it and say “I love you.”  And they do, only, they always come back.  Again.  And again.  Times infinity.

We were sitting in my driveway and Henry told me he didn’t think we should break up.  He was sobbing, and I was crying, and we were just holding on to each other thinking that we never wanted to cry in anyone else’s arms.  But also, I don’t want to cry anymore.  I’m tired of crying over him (which is something, I might add, that I do quite often).  We can’t keep going like this.

Henry said that he couldn’t imagine living without me, and of course I feel the exact same way about him.  But I keep thinking, especially tonight, that I might have to.  And that is the most terrible, earth-shattering, disgusting thought in the world.  I feel sooooooooo helpless, and I know Henry feels the same way.  We can’t break up, it’s humanly impossible for us, and yet at the same time we are ruining each other.  Our love is the one thing I believed in most of all, and now I’m not sure if it’s strong enough to save us.

Love sucks.  Because one day you wake up and realize it is a very powerful thing that is strong enough to accomplish many things, but it won’t protect you from each other.  Nothing can.  So what do you do now?????

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We stayed together for 4 more months, while he moved to Missouri and I started my freshman year of college in Boston, before I could gather the courage to end it.  Shockingly, it did not destroy the entire planet.

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Posted by on June 16, 2012 in Dating

 

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