I often joke in an it’s-not-really-funny way that my life is like the first part of a romantic comedy, where everything is screwed up, nothing’s going right, and there are plenty of tears that might be amusing to someone watching but not to the character experiencing it.
But yesterday, I really felt like I was in a movie. Or at least a TV show.
When I checked into my hotel and the guy said, “There are two people staying in the room?” and I automatically said yes, I knew the audience was thinking, “Aw, poor thing; she’s too ashamed to tell this stranger it’s just going to be her after all.”
When he said a name for me to confirm and I nodded, I heard the audience whisper, “Why can’t she just say, ‘Actually, there’s been a change of plans’?”
When he upgraded me to a room with 2 bathrooms “so you guys can have more space,” I could see the audience cringe.
And when I arrived at the room with the 2 bathrooms and tried to joke to myself about how my tiny bladder almost requires 2 bathrooms on its own but the joke fell flat so instead I thought about the episode of Friends when Rachel goes on Ross’ honeymoon and people say to her, “Mrs. Geller, why you cry?” which for some reason made me tear up, I could tell the audience felt bad for me, but they also felt like, “Come on, get a hold of yourself, girl. There are worse things to endure in life than having too many bathrooms.”
I didn’t pay attention to the audience though, because what I was thinking was how, if I truly am in a romantic comedy (which is, frankly, the worst one ever, because it’s neither romantic nor comical), that means I must eventually get to the part where I think there’s no chance for my male lead to show up, so I get ready to move, or marry someone who isn’t right for me, or…I don’t know, whatever other dumb things happen right before things turn around for the female lead and there’s an unrealistic gust of joy sweeping through the scene. I have to get there, or else I’m not in a romantic comedy after all, and I’m sorry, but if you heard how many times the hotel man said, “you guys” while checking me in, you’d be convinced that’s the only explanation for this kind of heart-taunting.
Oh yeah, and I had a bacon chocolate chip cookie yesterday. It was okay. I guess it can keep its role in the movie if it feels strongly about it, but when we get to the end where everything’s happy and love and laughter, I’d really prefer cheesecake.