I’d been meaning to visit this new brewery in Astoria for a long time–so long, in fact, that it isn’t really very new anymore.
I had high hopes for it, and I think that’s why I hadn’t made it there before last night.
It’s located a 15-minute walk from the last subway stop in Astoria. That might have also contributed to the delay in going.
Regardless, I finally went there yesterday on a second date, during a thunderstorm, which wasn’t exactly what I had been holding out for, but, you know how the universe likes to get the tricks in whenever possible.
Luckily, the beer was good, and even more luckily, my date insisted upon buying me a growler, which I’ve never owned before, and which meant I didn’t have to feel guilty about taking a glass as a souvenir instead.
Not that I’m saying I do things like that. (But I do.)
The whole thing would have made for a nice story…how we were both soaked when we arrived, how he bought me the growler, how I kept going outside to check whether the Friday the 13th full moon had become visible through the storm clouds. It does make a nice story, if you leave out the ending, which is that I had to tell the guy the next day that I didn’t want to keep dating, and then field follow-up questions asking for feedback.
It was annoying, but it also reminded me that it’s hard to keep this in mind when you’re disappointed about being rejected: sometimes, it’s not about anything you did or didn’t do. It’s not about you at all. Sometimes, it’s just about 2 people who don’t have a connection. And even if you’re desperate for a relationship, like this guy was, it’s so so so much better to walk away when you aren’t feeling what you want to feel instead of staying put just to have someone. Just because you buy a girl a growler and tell her you like her, that doesn’t magically make something appear that simply isn’t there.
It’s hard to be alone. I don’t want to be alone. But I’d rather be alone than in a relationship with someone who doesn’t make me feel that feeling in my chest that can’t be put into words even by the best writer. I know, because I’ve been alone for a long time, but I’ve also felt that feeling, and it’s worth the wait.