I used to think I would like anything with Cool Ranch Doritos. I thought this having not previously eaten anything besides good old plain Cool Ranch Doritos. But I love Cool Ranch Doritos so much I felt like I could know this with authority.
So when Taco Bell first came out with the Cool Ranch Doritos Loco Taco, I knew it was something I would love. Despite not having had a taco from Taco Bell in at least 15 years, it was just something indisputable, like that chocolate is good, or puppies are cute. I would like this taco.
However, while it was inevitable that I would one day try it, for some reason, I just never did.
When I moved to Queens more than 2 years ago and discovered a Pizza Hut/Taco Bell within walking distance, I figured it would happen sometime soon. It didn’t.
After a while, it became almost an internal game for me–every time I passed the restaurant, I wondered if today would be the day. Any night I went out in the area I figured I might end up there afterward.
It never was and I never did.
Then, this weekend I learned that the Wendy’s on the same street–that I never once frequented even though I love a Frosty as much as you’d assume–had closed.
Obviously, I worried Pizza Hut/Taco Bell would soon suffer the same fate (which is probably mostly a result of being unable to sustain a business offering mediocre food in a neighborhood with choices galore, and not purely a physical manifestation of the perpetual New York problem: that you think everything will always be around and therefore never end up going there/trying it/doing it). So I decided not to leave this in the hands of fickle fate and instead made a deliberate plan to get my taco.
I did not love it.
That’s only because the “meat” they use at Taco Bell is disgusting. How did my parents let us eat this when we were kids? We didn’t know any better, but surely they did. Were they just so willing to please us on the infrequent fast food nights that they gave in when we requested the somewhat slimy yet somehow chewy, runny, nowhere-near-meat they stuff in these things, even though they knew our bodies should never ingest anything close to this crap?
I digress. I’m glad I finally tried this taco, and I’m not going to hold it against Doritos that another company took something of wonder and turned it into a nightmare.
I’m also no longer going to declare I like anything made with Cool Ranch Doritos.