My Netflix account had malfunctioned the day before, so I had to wait 24 hours to watch this documentary. I don’t know why I was set on seeing it, except that it had shown up in the documentaries list and seemed to have gotten good reviews.
Okay, so I do know why I wanted to see it.
But there also has to be something deep inside me that inspires me to watch a devastating story even knowing going into it that it’s going to be horrifying. (I hadn’t read any spoilers, but I could tell from the beginning how it was going to end; whether the film was made with that intention, I’m not sure, or it could just be that I’m predisposed to assuming the worst).
It’s especially strange that I would be drawn to this type of tale when I know what my imagination is capable of. Why would I want to fill my head with images and words surrounding a horrifying sequence of events that, while luckily I have to assume is rare, could actually happen? Why don’t I stick to the stuff that is clearly fantastic? My brain has the ability to create nightmares from unrealistic things, too, so why give it the head start?
The story seems particularly heartbreaking to me due to the fact that I don’t have as much to lose as the guy in the movie. I don’t want to think, It should happen to someone like me, who doesn’t have kids, and doesn’t have hundreds of people across the country who love me, but it’s hard not to. I’m not in the position to judge anyone’s life, but if I were to judge my accomplishments compared to someone like the person in the movie, well, let’s just say I wouldn’t want to announce my conclusion.
So not only does watching a documentary about this tragedy make me sad for the people in it, it makes me worry about my own life, and why I’m not at a place in it where my untimely death would cause such an impact. It’s morbid, I suppose, but I think I need these types of moments and thoughts, to remind me to keep pushing toward being the best version of myself, in the hope that if I were to leave this earth sooner rather than later, people can at least say the world lost someone really good.